So you have taken the first step. You found a therapist, filled out the extensive paperwork, and probably fought with insurance to cover everything. But now what? All too often, people become frustrated because it feels like things are moving too slowly.
The question is, what do you need for your therapy to be successful?
Across the board, the first thing you need to do is take it slow. Have you ever tried to lose weight? You try out the most popular fad diet, and you lose weight quickly, but then it is not sustainable, and not only does the weight come back, but it brings along friends! Therapy is much the same. This is not only a lifestyle change but a change of thinking, and when there is a trauma history, there is literally hard work that needs to be done to wire new neural pathways in the brain.
The second thing is to give yourself grace when you make a mistake. Maybe your therapist is working on helping you learn to set healthy boundaries. And then your boundaries waver and you slide back into old habits. Oftentimes, therapy feels like two steps forward, one step back, or maybe even three steps back. Eventually, you will gain ground and
make progress. Your therapist can see your progress and will make time for you to celebrate those successes.
Not everyone is starting therapy at the same place. Therapists are taught to “meet the client where they are at.” But what does that mean? Clients come to therapy with different skills, various levels of privilege, diverse life experiences, varying resiliency factors, and a multitude of societal factors that impact the systems in which they live. The image to the right is Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. The basic idea is that the needs at the bottom must be met before the ones above. If you are coming to therapy and you are struggling to sustain food and shelter, working on your confidence is probably not high on your priority list. People who have experienced trauma are often lacking important aspects of the bottom three tiers. Critically look at what resources you have and set reasonable expectations for your growth. It takes time. Like the first thing we said, take it slow.
Try to have an open mind. Your therapist might ask you to do things that are out of the ordinary for you. Have you had someone take 15 minutes to help you learn to be comfortable with silence? When was the last time someone taught you how to breathe? Maybe your therapist will be challenging core beliefs you have internalized, like, “I am stupid,” “I’ll never be good enough,” or “I don’t matter.” At first, it will feel impossible to believe something different. It’s the therapist’s task to challenge you with alternative perspectives and new ideas and help you find ways to have more flexible thinking. This won’t be easy, and it is often a very hard pill to swallow.
You can’t change someone else. You can only change yourself. Ugh, well, that probably wasn’t what you wanted to hear. Especially if the problem that led you to therapy is unruly teenagers who won’t get off their phone or struggle in your relationship because your spouse just won’t take out the trash; even in cases of infidelity, betrayal, and deceit, you still can’t change them. You can only work on yourself. This is obviously a much bigger issue in relational therapy (i.e., couples counseling or family counseling) because there is more than one person in the room, more than one person’s perspective, and the therapist has to balance everyone’s needs. So get ready to take a good long look in the mirror and see how you are contributing to sustaining the problem. Now, I am not saying it is your fault your significant other cheated on you. That was their choice, and they will have to choose to take accountability for that. But all you can do in therapy is learn more about yourself, your response, and what choices you want to make.
Yes, parents, the above is true for you, too. One hour-a-week meeting with your child will not have nearly the same impact as changing things about how you parent at home. Be open to trying new things. It probably was not how you were raised. But the world is drastically different than it was when you were little, too. And, what you’ve been trying so far hasn’t been working that well if you are coming to therapy for support. Give it a try. Every suggestion the therapist makes won’t necessarily fit your family, but you won’t know unless you try. Commit to working on yourselves; I promise it will positively impact your children.
Kelly Sheridan, owner of Sacred Circle Counseling, is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who specializes in helping people heal from trauma, become better parents, and live more genuine lives. She graduated with her Masters of Science degree from Capella University in early fall 2021. She completed her internship and began her residency at a residential treatment facility for children ages 6-21 with co-morbid mental health diagnoses. She then completed her residency at a Children’s Advocacy Center, helping children and families who have disclosed physical abuse, sexual abuse, or neglect in a forensic interview, not only providing treatment to help them heal from the traumatic events they experienced but helping them navigate the confusing path of criminal trials and testifying. “I love working with families and individuals who want to heal from the things haunting them from their past.”